I will always remember him..

As I was about to clean up my phone's storage, I happened to discover an old file named, Portfolio. It was my compiled writing documents for my writing class back in college. There are about six essays which have different topics.

When I read my first entry, nostalgia crept into my heart. Even though this reminds me of my saddest time of my 21 years here on earth, this writing is my fave, so I have decided to share this entry to you--

This entry is entitled, Finish Line. It is all about the man whom I always love and who gave me reason to live.

... and I miss him badly.

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Essay#1 Remembering an Event

Finish Line

Everybody was sleeping or maybe not. No lights shone in the whole room. Everything was dark and gloomy except the small light coming from the cell phone beside me. From second to second, I received messages from my mother. She was, in that moment, in our hometown. Then, silence once again embraced our mind but failed to pacify the tensions of our hearts. Suddenly, my cell phone rang. My sister was really awake the whole time. She was slumbering beside me, and she noticed that I picked up the cell phone. Akin to her, I was too anxious about what could be that call for. When I heard my mother was sobbing over the line, my nerves were automatically awakened, my heart pounded with its fastest pace and my soul flew away from my body. I could not decode of what she was saying, it just happened that my tears were falling uncontrollably.

That morning, my sister and I immediately went to the port to go home to our province. The trip was long and burdensome. Every second passed was a chaos for me. The struggle that I felt inside was like the endless blue ocean. If only I had the power to transport wherever I want to go, I would have arrived in our house in just one snap of my finger.

When we arrived at the terminal, my mother and my aunt were waiting for us. As we were sitting inside the van, nobody dared to speak of what happened, and then I remembered my last visit in our town.

I went home in our province unexpectedly for SK election's registration. When my grandparents knew that I was in town, they left our village right away just to see me. I was very glad to see them after almost three months. That time, I had noticed that my grandfather had been coughing hard and when I asked his condition, he told me that he was fine.

My whole night was spent talking and catching up with my grandparents. They were asking about my studies and my mother and siblings' situations in Cebu. My grandfather encouraged me to keep on following my dreams and never stop pursuing my studies. He assured me not to worry about my school expenses, for according to him, he would help me no matter what. It was that time that I was in my second year in college and I was not fully supported by my own father. My Lolo advised me to ignore those hearsays and criticisms and instead to focus only on my studies. I was so lucky to have him, both of them.

In the next morning, we all prepared. My grandfather went to the faith healer while I went to the port to be back in Cebu. We rode the same "multicab" for we had the same way to take. They arrived their destination first, and I had a chance to say goodbye. I did not imagine that it would be my last chance to see him and to say goodbye.

Until now, I couldn't believe that it would be our last conversation.Walking towards the house, I saw the profusion of lights that surrounded the entire house. That was the first time I saw how well-lighted our house was than before. My grandmother hugged me and we cried. The tears that I was holding back, had freed finally. She assisted me to walk because my knees were trembling terribly. Upon approaching towards the white coffin, I was like in the middle of a phantasmal situation. My attention was only focused on the white coffin in front of me, not on the prayer leader at the corner, neither on my little cousins. I kept telling myself that it was just a nightmare and soon I would be awakened from this morbid scene, but not until I saw him inside the coffin, from that moment, the reality convinced me. I felt numb. I surprisingly became deaf. I could not hear the deafening sound of the people who were talking so fast, neither the drunk people who were playing "mahjong" and cards outside. My senses were malfunctioning except my sense of sight. Seeing him inside of it sleeping peacefully was painful and devastating. I felt the heaviness of the earth on my shoulders, and the pain of my soles brought by the pricking nails. My heart crashed into pieces and because of the sorrow that it brought to me, I felt nothing. What I did was to mourn and to cry and cry.

When I was able to restore my equilibrium, I had managed to bring myself to our modest room. My grandmother came and never hesitated to start narrating the last moments of her beloved husband as if she had an instinct that I was eager to know everything. Honestly, I could not comprehend some words she said, but I remembered her saying that my late Lolo was so happy when my mother went to the hospital to take care of him. She even told me that when I bid goodbye to him, the last time, she saw him wept for a moment. I remembered my grandfather as a patient, loving and kind man. He was very supportive of my studies. In fact, he was the only one who supported me when I thought of pursuing my studies in college. He was the man who never doubted my abilities and the man who loved me unconditionally.

Until now, despite the truth that his absence is unacceptable, I cannot say that I have moved on for I do not need to be healed because from the very start, he already healed my heart when he was still alive. I regret the times that I have missed to say how much I love him and I know it is too late for that. I also felt sorry for not being there and for not taking care of him personally and to share memories with him for the last time. One value that somehow I inherit from him is to express our love not by words but through action.

His death might bring me agony and sleepless nights, but his memories will remain in my heart. Even though he is gone, his advice and love are still fresh and evergreen in my whole system. I know that he wants me to continue chasing my dreams and he leaves me a big responsibility to take and that is to help my grandmother and the rest of my family. Now, my reasons to go on living and to achieve my dreams have been added. He taught me to be strong and to believe that I can surpass any struggles and challenges that life may bring. My grandfather and I have started this together, and for him, I will continue to finish this race.

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I am glad that you have finished reading this entry despite the fact that it is quite long.

I must say, we need to remind ourselves that saying "I love you" to our loved ones and showing that we care for them because everything has its ending, so does life.

Live and love them while we still have chance.

#love #life #memories #sad